Oh well time to do a new journal and all,since been a while. So lets see whats new.



So I know I normally dont get into much here, but I thought I would for once. I just felt like a confession of sorts really and then a rant. Before I start I dont want to hear how I need to do this or that, cause I have tried more than you can imagine. I am not confessing this for help, but to lead up to a big rant and cause I am tired of hiding I guess. I know some are going to want to give some advice thinking they are helping, but you need to understand first that its been tried. Also I do not react like most do so what works on others only gets the exact opposite reaction to me. Simply put that tough love does not work and would be...........well lets just say its not a pretty thing. With the warning and all out and just me wanting to vent and not asking for help I will start.

The simple thing is that for my whole life I have lived a secret. Some have suspected it or thought it was a momentary thing, but never could imagine it was an all the time thing. You see for as long as I can remember I have had to live in a fantasy world I create in my head. Understand I say had too simple because anytime I was forced out into the full real world it was not pretty. Understand that this is what works for me, and help is not an option. I can not go back to being so medicated that I forget where I parked my car. To not be able to go anywhere on my own cause I could get lost and to be so foggy and so messed up that I could forget important things. Not to mention that I still wish that I could remember the last few years my grandfather was alive, and not just spots of images here and their from medication. I have found that by staying in my head I can live. Since the other option is not good. See when forced out I react with anger as a mask to protect the real me. That only last so long and if I dont feed the anger it can not keep going on. That means that if forced into the full real world if I dont stay mad the next stage will kick in. To stay mad would require me to go on the ramapage, and thats not an exageration. Before the meds I was able to live in anger most of the time. At times now I can function running on anger. The thing is that after those years of medication I can not keep it going as long as I used too. So the anger goes away and then I just start crying. Now most would say well thats not that bad, and they would be wrong. Since the meds my emotions are a bit stronger and more extreme for that side of the coin. Basically I used to could not cry much at all. Now I tear up watching movies way way more than I ever would have before. This is still not the problem of the matter you see. The problem is what would happen after that stage, what had happened before.

You see I still remember the first night it happened. I remember the pain and the sadness and then the cold feeling as the skin on my arm was exposed to the air and the mess that followed. So while a shrink may think they know whats best my experience has been that they do not know whats best for me. I do not function like others, and I have managed to find a way to stay alive and not do harm to others. You see the flip side of that coin is the anger that can mask that pain. If it gets out of hand it can be worse. I still remember the day I slipped and was not thinking and almost allowed the deep down part of me to take over to long.I remeber holding him in the headlock under my arm and holding his chin and turning, and then snapping out of it before it was to late. In the past I have tried to explain to others I do not go out and "socialize" for fear of what might happen. They never get that I know I am capable of taking someone out. Since the guy whose neck I almost snapped was a friend that had only said the wrong thing. To many times I took friends down for making a mistake in what they should do. Thankfully no one was ever hurt to badly. Usualy just their pride that the quiet guy had just dropped so fast that no one was able to hardly see it.

Their was the one time that I lost it. It was also the day I learned that their was only one thing that could control me when I had slipped into a full blown rage. I dont remember what had happened but I had snapped at a friend. I was lucky in that I did not hit where I had aimed for and was off target a bit. As the bruise I left was huge and lifted him off the ground over a foot. However it was the day I learned that someone that I had a very strong emotional feeling for was able to stop me instantly with just a word. No one else but her could do it, and that was proven later on. For one day she was hit by some big guy. When I found out I flipped out and turned around to go take the guy out. Two of my friends were holding onto me at the time as I dragged them along walking back to my car. She stopped crying over her pain and started to cry for me, which stopped me cold in my tracks. So while I know that my rage is easilly capable of taking out someone, or a few people. I know their is an off switch to it as well. Although their is no off switch at this time. At least one that could do any good.

So you see the point is that I live in my head. While many may say thats silly and better to live in the real world. I know that if force to live in the real world I would be a danger to myself and others. I don't think this is true, I know it to be true. I have found something that works for me and thats what matters I guess. You see thats why I watch so many movies and TV shows. I just craw into them when I watch them. It keeps my mind focused out of the real world and I guess you could say keeps my mind off of things. It may sound silly to live in a fantasy world, but it works for me and i know the difference between real and fantasy. So thats what matters really, although when I was younger it was tougher to tell the difference. Then again thats what being a kid is all about really. So yeah thats that and just wanted to get that off my chest I guess.

Of course that doesnt get the rant done. I know I dont get into political stuff here, and this shouldnt be thought of as that I hope. Just I think some people need to be taken out and shot. I mean it really. Their are people that make me ashamed to have to admit that I am human as well. How can people think its a good idea to destroy the planet. I mean who wakes up and thinks that cutting down and burning all the trees is a great idea. Or why not lets polute the oceans and drain the swamps. I mean then lets go slaughter all the animals on the planet for sport. Screw the ice caps lets melt them all down for better shipping lanes. Why not dig all the mountains up and get all the coal so we can poison the air so we can all die faster. Lets just let the greedy corporate bastars run the planet and do what makes them the most profit. Why should we worry about the animals and the planet. Lets just put on a public face saying we are trying to be green while we realy do more harm now than before. I also love how a bankers first advice was to lease out the land to hunting clubs, then to just sell the land that had been in my family since the civil war. So that it could be made into a trailer park. Sure lets just destroy the enviroment more and kill all those animals that live in the woods for a quick buck. You see the reason I had that long thing about me at the start was to get to this part. I find at times I want to just cry over some of this stuff. I want to believe that humans can be better, that they could one day be like in Star Trek and work to better themselves. Instead the real world they worry about profit and how to get more money from everyone. Even how the record label wants the government to tax radio stations that play music. How the government can use iminent domain and just take your land to do as they want. Their are days I think that the world does not deserve the freedom they have or want. That if they were allowed to their own devices they would destroy this planet totaly and then look for the next one they could rape. I see things that make me think the human race does not deserve to go on. Yet their are handfulls that try to really help, that do all they can to help. Yet their are so many that do nothing. They feel its not their problem, that they shouldnt get invovled. Why not I say. If everyone does not get with it and change, and I mean really change. I fear that really their is no way for this planet to go on how it is. I fear that the planet itself will take action to save itself, and I could not blame it. We destroy this planet for our joy. Their is no reason we can not live nice and still take care of the planet. How hard is it to recycle, to use locally grown foods. If everyone chipped in just a little then maybe we could save this planet from ourselves.



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